I told my darling that telling him that I love him just isn't enough and doesn't do my love for him justice.
He agreed, because he feels the same way.
I told him that I would say it until the day I died and he said he would too.
He said he would say he loved me until he died and if he couldn't speak he would write it down. If he couldn't write it down, he would just make eye contact and look at me, showing his love for me. If he couldn't see me he would feel me and show how much he loves me. If he couldn't feel, that would mean he is dead and he would be in Heaven waiting for me and would tell me again how much he loves me when I arrive with him.
I'm absolutely in love infinitely<3
She stared into the mirror: Her eyes meeting her own eyes, understanding each other's identical thoughts.
Her contemplating ran deep, and her thoughts began to sink into one another, until they became one messy blur of questions and memories.
Two people, Missing In Action. Or more likely, Missing From the Action. They were not being supportive in any way. What kind of friends are those?
She continued to stare at her dolled up appearance and wondered why these friends of hers refused to partake in her life any longer. All they brought was scorn and rebuke, constantly. After a while of that, maybe she was glad they were not here.
"Why aren't you dressed!?" A frantic girl rushed into the room and plucked her out of her dream state. "Everyone is waiting on us!"
She got dressed and followed her overly excited friend out the door.
She could see from a distance the chaos she was about to enter into, but the thought of chaos in a world ba
Another friend arrived and smiled at her happily. He leaned down and whispered to her, "Have you talked to them?"
"No," she whispered back as she shook her head. "But it's okay. Everything's fine!"
He smiled again and took her arm, squeezing it reassuringly.
Her eyes watched in awe as the whir of the chaos before her died down. As she entered the room with her friend, everything and everyone somehow fell into its perfect place like chess pieces awaiting a new game.
Her heart was pounding. Although no one moved, she felt as if everyone was swarming in on her at once.
She felt something crawl up her spine, and at first she could not distinguish if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling. As she finished watching the chaos subside, she decided it was a good feeling.
Once all of the chess pieces were in place, she took her first move. Then her second, and so on and so forth until:
She won and all happiness rushed in.
As she collected her winnings and smiled at her victory, she felt the smallest pang of sadness that these friends of hers that were once her closest companions did not witness her success.
Chaos ensued once again, but louder and more wonderful this time. Everyone cheered her on and she ran ecstatically from her battlefield to the exit.
Suddenly, she saw someone within the fray standing still. How strange. Everyone else was a part of the party.
She turned to look in the direction of the still figure and was met with two sets of eyes. Both sets of eyes smiled at her genuinely, and both sets of lips mouthed genuinely,
She stepped out into the humid night,
Click, Click, Click,
went her heels.
She headed towards an idle car, opened the passenger side door and slipped inside.
"Is he angry?" A voice asked from the driver's seat.
"He said he doesn't approve," she paused, staring out her window at the night sky, "but he gave me this."
She held up a crumpled ball of paper and money for him to see.
His dark eyes lit up in surprise. "That's...that's crazy...."
She huffed angrily. "I don't want his money."
"Then why did you take it?" He asked.
"I don't want him to have this money either!" She spit venomously.
"Then what do you want to do with it?"
She clenched her teeth. "I don't care! Burn it for all I care!"
"We could just use it and not tell hi-"
"NO!" She yelled viciously.
He reached out and put her tiny hand within his own. She turned to look at him, eyes blazing.
"It's okay," he said.
She scowled and tried to rip her hand away, but he just gripped her tighter. "It's not okay!"
She grabbed his vice with her other hand and tried to rip herself free, but instead he brought his other hand around and gripped both of hers firmly.
She hissed angrily at him, "Let go of me! Stop it!" She thrashed around, to no avail.
He let her yell at him for a moment or so, then pulled her towards him and let go of her hands. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and embraced her with a silencing kiss.
He felt her shoulders loosen and her anger seep away.
He pulled away slightly and said, "It's okay," once more.
Her previously vicious eyes melted into tears. He saw the pain that she felt and wanted to release it from her. As her tears fell down her cheeks, he pulled her into a perfectly loving hug.
"It's okay," he whispered once again, "It's okay."
"Why don't they accept it? Why can't they see?" She choked out.
"I don't know. They're blind to what they cannot be right about. They'll let it go one day."
She pulled away and wiped her face dry. She cleared her throat, then squared her shoulders, as if for battle.
Facing out the front window she said, "it's not over yet." She turned to him, eyes gleaming powerfully.
"We will win this fight."
Tap, Tap, Tap.
Her long fingernails sent ricochets of sound through the tensely silent room. She could sit here and stare in silence all day, (that stubborn bitch), if it meant she won the unspoken contest between her and her interrogator.
She shifted her weight, continuing to tap. Her eyes burned deeply, focused against her offenders skin. If she thought hard enough, maybe he would burst into flames.
Finally, an exasperated sigh from the opponent.
"Do you really think that this will make you happy?" He asked icily.
She smirked and replied with an acidic drip, "Absolutely."
She never let her vicious gaze let up and felt his will melting beneath her words.
Tap, Tap, Tap.
He eyed her, contemplating his next move in their little game. Not many choices left.
"This is going to end badly," she head the edge slide off his tone, almost registering a hint of softness.
She didn't succumb.
"Maybe for you," crept her venomous words into his veins. She saw him stiffen, then release.
"Here," he said, pulling an envelope from his pocket and sliding it across to her.
She didn't take it. She kept her fiery eyes in play. "What is it?"
A dare, a taunt. What was his move?
She reached for the envelope, calling his bluff. She opened it to find a stack of cash.
She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.
He said, "Yours."
She scowled and tried to push it back at him, but he stopped her.
"I don't support your decision in any way, but I'm not going to stop you." Almost tender, but not close enough.
She crumpled up the envelope and the money angrily within her fist.
"I don't need your money, but I don't want you to have it either." She stuffed the wrinkled paper into her pocket and shoved her chair backwards, lividly.
He watched her walk away and decided to call after her: A final move. "When will I see you again?"
She stopped and turned her head slightly, fire emanating from her profiled face and said,
"Wedding's in May, Dad."
I don't know if I've ever cried from joy before, but about half an hour ago I did.
The Love of My Life and I were on Skype and we were getting ready to go to bed when he got this look of love in his eye and just stared at me and said,
"Honey, you're going to be my wife," in the most tender way you could ever imagine.
My heart sent shoot of transplendent happiness through my veins and into my brain and then proceeded to pound magnificently.
I can't recount exactly what he said after that, but it was so amazing and ridiculously sweet, that all I could do was smile uncontrollably and hide my face under my stuffed animal.
I am crazy about this man. He is amazing and meant to be with me. I could never love anyone the way that I love him and I know we are supposed to be together.
I thank God countless times a day that we are together. It's amazing.
I'm falling asleep.
I love him.
Summer is our only time together
3-sort of-months that revive my heart,
then leave me with an everlasting lust for more
when they leave.
I may live by the beach,
but we seldom visit it:
Asian Cuisine and obnoxious millennium shows
became our pastime of choice
Along with another,
pastime that everyone knows about,
but nobody speaks of.......
Nothing makes me happier
than those moments stuck within those
And nothing pours anguish upon
quite like the departure of that bliss
that rests between us.
Luckily, the Texas heat always continues the illusion
of summer days,
and the possibilities of pools, and friends, and fun
still exist within my grasp,
is nothing without one necessary aspect:
My family seems to disapprove of the seriousness of my relationship. No one has said these exact words, but their other comments have lead me to believe this.
My mother is always telling me that I shouldn't get stuck dating just one guy. She always says how she dated all the cute guys she wanted and didn't settle until she felt like she had experienced quite a bit. I know this sounds kinda slutty, and I can't prove that she wasn't, but I'm pretty sure my mother didn't do all the guys she dated and she probably didn't even date as many as she lead me to believe.
Yesterday my grandma asked me if there were any cute guys at my college that I would think about dating, and I said, "Why you gotta be like my mom?" I asked her why I can't just stick to dating the guy I'm with currently. She said that was fine, but that my mother and my aunt were able to date multiple people and since she didn't, she doesn't want me to miss out.
Why do people always assume that just because I've only dated a couple of guys, that means I'm stupid and too inexperienced to know what I want?
I've dated more than one guy, and made out with plenty more, but nobody makes me feel the way that I do when I'm with My Darling. I'm not talking about just physical feelings, although physically our interactions are quite fantastic, since even just a kiss gets my heart jumping. I feel as if he understands me and he handles my impatience and my demanding demeanor so very well. We mesh so perfectly, I don't see how anyone else could top him.
So why should I date other people? Just because it's what my family thinks is better? Why can't I have adventures with this one amazing man that loves me unconditionally and whom I love back without end?
The answer is: I can.
I can do what I want and be with whomever I want and I will! I'm kind of a selfish person, so I'm going to date him until we get married, then I shall be married to the Love of My Life, because it makes Me happy.
I feel like I just got my heart set on fire.
But not the awesome, romantic, burning, passionate fire for the one you love. I feel like someone took an arrow, set it on fire, then punctured through my skin, and chest and stabbed my heart, which then became ablaze.
It hurts so much that I can't even use my fancy words and diction choices to portray the excruciation this is causing me.
What makes this worse is that I know the arrow was justified and that all of the words that caused the kindling to combust underneath my heart were completely true.
My darling and I have only one real problem in our relationship: Our parents.
He is not a citizen, but he will be in about a year and a half, but if he moves out of his house, it could mess up the whole process and set him back a few more years, which is unacceptable and could mess up his career plans as well.
The problem is that his evil step father is a controlling, evil, horrible person. I would use a swear word, but there literally is not one strong enough to express the malice of this shadow of a man.
My darling is the most respectful person I have ever met, (the complete opposite of me), and he is so obedient and most mean or rude things just bounce off of him. Well, his step father does not know how to love, but only knows how to control, and yell, and verbally abuse, and manipulate people to do as he says. He thinks he knows everything and that his way is the only way and that even Jesus would do what he says.
Here's just a quick example:
My love gives him a stupid-ass card and some chocolates for Father's Day. Step father goes up to him and says in response to the gift, "You know what I really want for Father's Day? Respect. I wish you would respect me and this house."
What. Is. This. Shit.
it's beginning to affect us even more, because now his step father hates me and ignores me when I'm at his house. It's resulted in me never going to his house anymore. Even worse, apparently it's been making my love feel torn between pleasing me for the sake of his love for me, and pleasing him so that he shuts the hell up and leaves us alone.
My darling said to me a few minutes ago, "...Trying to please you and trying to please them: you're both driving me crazy..."
I felt my heart explode into a fiery mess. I have never been so hurt so quickly or so badly ever in my entire life. Especially not this quickly. It hurts me just to relive the sentence.
I love him so, so much that anything I ever do that hurts him makes me instantly want to rid that part of myself from me. I just love him too much to do anything to hurt him. I could literally, physically feel prickly pains coming from my heart and my brain just shut off and I wanted to die. Or at least the part of me that is making him crazy. I want to make him happy!
I know that it's true though. I'm so difficult and demanding and want things to be my way and I'm not patient or flexible, and I know all of these things about myself and sometimes I try to fix these flaws, but I've for the most part just accepted these parts of me as permanent. I sometimes try again to maybe minimize the extent of my flaws, but I just don't know how to tame the fierceness that is me.
I love my darling, but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I make him crazy.
For now I'll just keep crying until maybe the tears wash away the flames that left my heart charred and scarred.
I love you, my darling. Now and Forever. I'm so sorry...
The love I hold for my darling is intense and neverending!
Being near him is amazing
Being next to him brings hardly containable happiness
Being in his arms is perfection
It kills me a little bit that I can't express my true, deep, intense love in words
I tell him that I love him about 20 million times a day
But it just isn't enough!
I try to show him by doing sweet gestures
or writing him poems
or holding onto him so tightly
I know he can see it in my eyes
and I can see it too
But my love for him is so explosive that I can hardly handle it!!!!!
He's the love of my life
He is my Everything!
I could never live without him
He makes my hard dane
He creates happiness within me -
He is the embodiment of my happiness
I never want to let go of him...
Tonight was so amazing:
Feeling so connected to him,
Just being near him,
My whole body was a whir with joy and true love!
You are My Life,
I can't wait for the rest of our life to start,
because these few nights are just not enough!
They are perfect and I cherish them deeply
and hold onto them when I am away from you,
but I want you forever!
You are the Love of My Life
and I hope one day I can
truly express how deep, wide, and neverending
My love for you is....
I love you<3
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Sometimes I don't post on here, because I feel like I always sound so sad. I'm sure no one even reads these posts, but as a wise man in the Amanda Byne's movie Sidney White once said, "it's not about being read, it's about being written". I can agree on a level there.
I've been dealing with my distance much better lately. I don't know why; maybe I'm just getting used to things. I still hate it completely, but I have intense love for My Darling.
Lately though, I haven't been as crazy excited to hear his voice and one day I even outright didn't want to talk to him. I think I'm just hitting a weird moody stage, because my lady time is coming up. I'm sure it's all circumstantial and I don't need to worry. Whatever.
I'm beginning to feel that I don't tell My Love that I love him enough. I know I say it almost every text message and probably every three minutes on the phone and I feel as if he can feel it even through this distance, even when I'm just thinking about him... but it just isn't enough! This is how craziy in LOOOOOVE I am with him. He's my literal everything and I can't wait for our life to start together. I also can't wait to talk to him tonight - a closer goal.
I have no point. : ) I'm feeling okay though. Happy Life. I think I'm just too collegiately busy to think about being sad.
I am sad. I'm masking the sadness with "Christmas Joy" so that I can be happy during the festivities later today and then deal with my problems later.
I thought I'd write them down while they are raw. So here we go:
Since I'm in a Long Distance Relationship, functioning without my other and better half is very difficult for me. I'm currently home for Christmas and I've seen him quite a bit, but thinking about going back is tormenting me. I push it away to live in the moment, but it creeps into my thoughts and brings me sadness.
So I know that I am going to have to be dealing with this for another year and a half and it hurts. I can't talk about it with the Love of My Life though, because it makes him angry that he can't be near me next year. So that's out of the question.
I can't talk about it with my parents, because we very recently had a whole talk about how they don't want me to just follow him around all "in love" and not have a career of my own. So if I try to talk to them about how Lovesick I am and lonely I am away from him, they'll probably just scorn me. I just can't tell them. I don't want to verbally admit how much I deeply love and care for him to them. I don't want to hear their disappointment.
So this leaves whom? Sigh.
This is my current dilemma.
I was in my friend's dorm today and I turned on his TV and watched the last hour of Bride Wars with Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. It's super funny, and makes me think of my best friend and I. I'm definitely the bossy one and she's the more go-with-the-flow one. I would never fight with her the way they did in this movie, but the characters were kind of like us, except that we never talked about weddings when we were little.
I know most little girls do think about weddings and getting married all their lives, but I never have, until now.
I'm soooo in love with My Darling that I'm going to marry him as soon as possible. So I asked him: "What would you do for your bachelor party?" He didn't know what that was. I explained it to him, and I said that you're supposed to spend time away from your future spouse. He immediately almost yelled: "NO! I don't want to be away from you!" He freaked out as if I had said I was leaving forever, not just leaving for a day. It was soooo cute and soooo sweet that I fell deeper in love with him again.
Oh goodness..... I love him with all of my heart.
I hope you think I'm crazy, because I am. I'm crazy in love with him. <3333333
I typed a whole awesome post, then my computer decided to close the page because, "It wasn't working correctly." Now I'm pissed.
Here's a summary:
I went home to see My Love. I was happy for a week then felt absolutely crushed yesterday. I lost all happiness.
He and I talked, I said the wrong things, we both got even more upset: Unhappiness ensued.
We talked more, and I decided that my "Live in the Moment" philosophy is going to have to take a backseat for a little while, since RIGHT NOW I don't have the one person in this world that means the most to me. So, it's time to employ his "Look to the Future" take on life. I'm going to think about the great things we have had and will have in 2 years time.
I feel the burden on my heart lifting as I type this. <3
I love My Darling more than anything else in this world; more than life itself.
I thank God every day for him, because there is no way that our relationship, and our amazing compatibility, could have been created by coincidence alone. There were too many awesome factors that played into us being together. <3
I'm riding a bus tomorrow from the town my college is in to a town an hour and a half away, and then my mother will be there to drive me the rest of the way home. I'm so very excited to see My Love, but I feel... less excited than I should feel....
I hate this. I hate this distance. I hate this constant internal heartache I am always feeling. I hate that I long for him soooo badly and cannot touch him or kiss him. At least I can hear his voice and sometimes see his face...
Do I sound like I'm whining? Do I sound like I care? I'm hurting....
My Love and I are unsure of our future next year, because he is in such a strange financial situation. We don't know if he's going to have to join the military or get scholarshps or stay in our hometown for another year, but it's beginning to look like he's going to be staying in our hometown another year.... which hurts me even more!
I canNOT handle this another year! I have hardly survived a month and the pain grows deeper and deeper every freakin day! I have no idea how to get through this!!! I really need help, advice, counseling, something! I'm slowly deteriorating from the inside out, and swallowing it just makes the pain worse...
I tell My Darling everything, and he knows that this upsets me a great deal: The possibility of having to endure this one more year. When I bring it up though, he just gets frustrated, because he desperately wants to be near me and see me more often, but his crazy stepfather is our hindering factor. I know it's not My Love's fault, but I am just so sad and so hearbroken and so unable to cope with these feelings, that I just don't know what to do! This is the first time I've ever contemplated ending the relationship, but that is retarded, because that would cause me even more pain than suffering through this again. I love him waaaayyy too much to end this. It's too amazing to be caput.
Honestly, I just need someone to help me. I need someone who has been through this and made it through happily to tell me what to do! I REALLY want everything to just magically work out in our favor, but I won't be holding my breath for that. Help me..... I feel so pathetic.... It's even worse, because sometimes if I cry, I feel a release and I can move on, but this is just stuck in my chest and won't un-wedge itself! I can't even try to let it go, because it won't let go of my stupid stone heart....
I need to get rid of this though, or else I'm not going to enjoy my lovely weekend with The Love of My Life<3
I am so frightened.
I am soo in love, but not being able to be near him or touch him or physically show him all that I feel is becoming an increasing torment on me.
He sent me a Love Letter. That was fantastic! I received it last night and read it this morning and was more than thrilled at his amazing words and adorable hand-drawn picture. I miss him immensely and don't know what to do without him!
I know my life is incomplete without him, but my raw feelings are beginning to wane due to lack of direct contact. I'm sure this is normal, but of course this makes me worry that I'm losing my intense feelings of love....
I'm going to try and go see him in a couple of weeks. I'm worried that if I go I won't feel the immediate connection I've always felt. I don't see why I wouldn't feel it, but of course I'm worrying myself sick as to what will happen if I don't. I don't like anyone else. Yeah there are cute guys everywhere, but that doesn't mean I like them. This guy is my absolute soulmate - no doubt about it. So, why am I so scared?
I'm freakin ridiculous. I think I'm just overthinking everythng and worrying wayyyyyyy too much about everything. I think the lack of affection is also taking a toll. I miss his more-than-perfect kiss and want to touch and hold and hug him soooo badly! More than homeruns I love just being held in his arms. There is no moment more amazing than just lying in the arms of the True Love of My Life..... No high could ever beat it. Nothing sexual could ever compete with it. I can't even express how endlessly wonderful it is to be held lovingly in the arms of someone who you love with all of your heart and you know loves you back with all of his heart.
I feel a little bit better writing all of this out, but I'm still probably going to worry until I get down there. I'll just focus on the positive, awesome aspects of our relationship, which would be EVERYTHING! I am the only bad part of this relationship. He's pretty much perfect. He deals with my nonsense. I love him.
I love you, darling. I wonder if I'll ever show these to you... : ) With all of my heart and everything in this whole freakin universe, I love you<3
I moved away from the Love of my Life last Thursday afternoon. It was the absolute worst thing I have EVER had to do in my life.... He helped me pack all of my college stuff into the back of my car and then we just kept hugging and kissing and he kept holding me as I sniffled before I had to go.
At the end, I was standing on my driveway with him, not wanting to let him go, when my Dad said it was time. I hugged him so hard and had the hardest time giving him his last kiss. I could see the tears in his eyes as I walked away from him and got into the car. Later he told me that he actually cried in his car for about a minute once I drove away. I started bawling once I got in the car. It was terrible.
I think about how he wants to join the Air Force after college and how awesome I think he is for wanting to do that, (since he's not even a citizen yet! Permanent Resident though), but then I think about his officer training and how it will be about 8 weeks and how I won't be able to see him, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with myself at that point..... I know that's years away, but I can tell it will be just like this was, except a million times worse....
I was okay the first few nights, in fact, I was okay up until last night.
Friday night, I just missed him sooooo much! My heart hurt and panged for him. I know his love is always with me, since I can pretty much physically feel it around me and in my chest, but I just felt so alone and distanced from him that I cried for a while once we got off the phone.
Luckily, My Love had given me one of his shirts and I was saving it for just this kind of lonely occasion. I put his shirt on and wore it to bed. I surrounded myself with the turtle he gave me as a moving away gift. I wore the locket I have with our pictures in it, and I put the ring on that he gave me in July... I even ate some special candy that he gives me that is from Okinawa, just to feel that much closer to him. It sucked, but I felt a little bit better the next day.
Tonight sucked though. I cried so long and so hard while he and I were still talking. I felt like I just couldn't make him happy from this distance, but he convinced me that he was just being silly by wallowing in his sadness of missing me. I love him sooo much, and I'm so glad we are together, but this is so very hard.... I wish I had some help, someone who has gone through this to give me tips.
I love my darling more than anything in this world and I definitely won't leave him, but I don't want our love to fade due to distance. I'm going to work hard at this. I mailed him a love letter with a cute picture I drew and colored, so that should be good when he gets it.
One day I'll show him these posts. I love you, Darling...<3
I am going to be using this site to post about things I wouldn't normally post on my regular blog. I want anonymity for the things I will say here, so I will never use real names for people and I am only HazelnutEyes.
I mostly want to say things about my relationship, which is about to be long-distance in two days time, but also I will probably post things that drive me crazy, since this will be anonymous.
My darling and I celebrated 1 year together last Friday. He was not in town, but we went out last night and I had the greatest time spending the day with him. <3
I love my darling very much, and although I'm going to move away for a bit for college, it's not super far away, and it sure isn't forever.
I'm not going to let anything deter me from being with the Love of My Life: not distance, not temptations, not discouragement. He and I are going to be absolutely fine, and we will be stronger because of it.
I am a strong person mentally, and I won't let anything get in my way of beng happy with My Love.
Previous PostsUntil I Die<3, posted February 9th, 2014
Third Part, posted November 13th, 2013
Second part to the story, posted November 12th, 2013
Wrote this for fun., posted November 7th, 2013
Joyful Crying, posted October 22nd, 2013
MY Summer, posted September 10th, 2013
Why must I follow your ways?, posted July 31st, 2013
Set Me On Fire, posted July 6th, 2013
I love you Darling<3, posted May 14th, 2013
Dream Cheating. What???, posted May 8th, 2013
Indifference, posted April 16th, 2013
Stuck in between nowhere, posted December 25th, 2012
No! <3 : ))))), posted October 15th, 2012
Rawr = Dinosaur, posted October 1st, 2012
Heartache Capital, Heartache City, posted September 21st, 2012
Day 18 of My Long Distance Relationship, posted September 11th, 2012
Day 10 of My Long Distance Relationship, posted September 2nd, 2012
I am HazelnutEyes, posted August 21st, 2012
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