hazelnuteyes's Blog

The love I hold for my darling is intense and neverending!
Being near him is amazing
Being next to him brings hardly containable happiness
Being in his arms is perfection

It kills me a little bit that I can't express my true, deep, intense love in words
I tell him that I love him about 20 million times a day
But it just isn't enough!
I try to show him by doing sweet gestures
or writing him poems
or holding onto him so tightly
I know he can see it in my eyes
and I can see it too
But my love for him is so explosive that I can hardly handle it!!!!!

He's the love of my life
He is my Everything!
I could never live without him
He makes my hard dane
and jump
and spin
and twirl!
He creates happiness within me - 
He is the embodiment of my happiness

I never want to let go of him... 
Tonight was so amazing:
Feeling so connected to him,
Just being near him,
My whole body was a whir with joy and true love!

My Darling, 
You are My Life,
My Love,
My Happiness,
My EVERYTHING!
I can't wait for the rest of our life to start,
because these few nights are just not enough!
They are perfect and I cherish them deeply 
and hold onto them when I am away from you,
but I want you forever!

You are the Love of My Life
and I hope one day I can 
truly express how deep, wide, and neverending
My love for you is....

I love you<3

Sometimes I don't post on here, because I feel like I always sound so sad. I'm sure no one even reads these posts, but as a wise man in the Amanda Byne's movie Sidney White once said, "it's not about being read, it's about being written". I can agree on a level there.

I've been dealing with my distance much better lately. I don't know why; maybe I'm just getting used to things. I still hate it completely, but I have intense love for My Darling.

Lately though, I haven't been as crazy excited to hear his voice and one day I even outright didn't want to talk to him. I think I'm just hitting a weird moody stage, because my lady time is coming up. I'm sure it's all circumstantial and I don't need to worry. Whatever.

I'm beginning to feel that I don't tell My Love that I love him enough. I know I say it almost every text message and probably every three minutes on the phone and I feel as if he can feel it even through this distance, even when I'm just thinking about him... but it just isn't enough! This is how craziy in LOOOOOVE I am with him. He's my literal everything and I can't wait for our life to start together. I also can't wait to talk to him tonight - a closer goal.

I have no point. : ) I'm feeling okay though. Happy Life. I think I'm just too collegiately busy to think about being sad.

Rawr <3

I am sad. I'm masking the sadness with "Christmas Joy" so that I can be happy during the festivities later today and then deal with my problems later.

I thought I'd write them down while they are raw. So here we go:

Since I'm in a Long Distance Relationship, functioning without my other and better half is very difficult for me. I'm currently home for Christmas and I've seen him quite a bit, but thinking about going back is tormenting me. I push it away to live in the moment, but it creeps into my thoughts and brings me sadness.

So I know that I am going to have to be dealing with this for another year and a half and it hurts. I can't talk about it with the Love of My Life though, because it makes him angry that he can't be near me next year. So that's out of the question.

I can't talk about it with my parents, because we very recently had a whole talk about how they don't want me to just follow him around all "in love" and not have a career of my own. So if I try to talk to them about how Lovesick I am and lonely I am away from him, they'll probably just scorn me. I just can't tell them. I don't want to verbally admit how much I deeply love and care for him to them. I don't want to hear their disappointment.

So this leaves whom? Sigh.

This is my current dilemma.

I was in my friend's dorm today and I turned on his TV and watched the last hour of Bride Wars with Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. It's super funny, and makes me think of my best friend and I. I'm definitely the bossy one and she's the more go-with-the-flow one. I would never fight with her the way they did in this movie, but the characters were kind of like us, except that we never talked about weddings when we were little.

I know most little girls do think about weddings and getting married all their lives, but I never have, until now.

I'm soooo in love with My Darling that I'm going to marry him as soon as possible. So I asked him: "What would you do for your bachelor party?" He didn't know what that was. I explained it to him, and I said that you're supposed to spend time away from your future spouse. He immediately almost yelled: "NO! I don't want to be away from you!" He freaked out as if I had said I was leaving forever, not just leaving for a day. It was soooo cute and soooo sweet that I fell deeper in love with him again.

Oh goodness..... I love him with all of my heart.

I hope you think I'm crazy, because I am. I'm crazy in love with him. <3333333

<3

I typed a whole awesome post, then my computer decided to close the page because, "It wasn't working correctly." Now I'm pissed.

Here's a summary:

I went home to see My Love. I was happy for a week then felt absolutely crushed yesterday. I lost all happiness.
He and I talked, I said the wrong things, we both got even more upset: Unhappiness ensued.
We talked more, and I decided that my "Live in the Moment" philosophy is going to have to take a backseat for a little while, since RIGHT NOW I don't have the one person in this world that means the most to me. So, it's time to employ his "Look to the Future" take on life. I'm going to think about the great things we have had and will have in 2 years time.
I feel the burden on my heart lifting as I type this. <3

I love My Darling more than anything else in this world; more than life itself.

I thank God every day for him, because there is no way that our relationship, and our amazing compatibility, could have been created by coincidence alone. There were too many awesome factors that played into us being together. <3

Rawr<3

I'm riding a bus tomorrow from the town my college is in to a town an hour and a half away, and then my mother will be there to drive me the rest of the way home. I'm so very excited to see My Love, but I feel... less excited than I should feel....

I hate this. I hate this distance. I hate this constant internal heartache I am always feeling. I hate that I long for him soooo badly and cannot touch him or kiss him. At least I can hear his voice and sometimes see his face...

Do I sound like I'm whining? Do I sound like I care? I'm hurting....

My Love and I are unsure of our future next year, because he is in such a strange financial situation. We don't know if he's going to have to join the military or get scholarshps or stay in our hometown for another year, but it's beginning to look like he's going to be staying in our hometown another year.... which hurts me even more!

I canNOT handle this another year! I have hardly survived a month and the pain grows deeper and deeper every freakin day! I have no idea how to get through this!!! I really need help, advice, counseling, something! I'm slowly deteriorating from the inside out, and swallowing it just makes the pain worse...

I tell My Darling everything, and he knows that this upsets me a great deal: The possibility of having to endure this one more year. When I bring it up though, he just gets frustrated, because he desperately wants to be near me and see me more often, but his crazy stepfather is our hindering factor. I know it's not My Love's fault, but I am just so sad and so hearbroken and so unable to cope with these feelings, that I just don't know what to do! This is the first time I've ever contemplated ending the relationship, but that is retarded, because that would cause me even more pain than suffering through this again. I love him waaaayyy too much to end this. It's too amazing to be caput.

Honestly, I just need someone to help me. I need someone who has been through this and made it through happily to tell me what to do! I REALLY want everything to just magically work out in our favor, but I won't be holding my breath for that. Help me..... I feel so pathetic.... It's even worse, because sometimes if I cry, I feel a release and I can move on, but this is just stuck in my chest and won't un-wedge itself! I can't even try to let it go, because it won't let go of my stupid stone heart....

I need to get rid of this though, or else I'm not going to enjoy my lovely weekend with The Love of My Life<3

I am so frightened.

I am soo in love, but not being able to be near him or touch him or physically show him all that I feel is becoming an increasing torment on me.

He sent me a Love Letter. That was fantastic! I received it last night and read it this morning and was more than thrilled at his amazing words and adorable hand-drawn picture. I miss him immensely and don't know what to do without him!

I know my life is incomplete without him, but my raw feelings are beginning to wane due to lack of direct contact. I'm sure this is normal, but of course this makes me worry that I'm losing my intense feelings of love....

I'm going to try and go see him in a couple of weeks. I'm worried that if I go I won't feel the immediate connection I've always felt. I don't see why I wouldn't feel it, but of course I'm worrying myself sick as to what will happen if I don't. I don't like anyone else. Yeah there are cute guys everywhere, but that doesn't mean I like them. This guy is my absolute soulmate - no doubt about it. So, why am I so scared?

I'm freakin ridiculous. I think I'm just overthinking everythng and worrying wayyyyyyy too much about everything. I think the lack of affection is also taking a toll. I miss his more-than-perfect kiss and want to touch and hold and hug him soooo badly! More than homeruns I love just being held in his arms. There is no moment more amazing than just lying in the arms of the True Love of My Life..... No high could ever beat it. Nothing sexual could ever compete with it. I can't even express how endlessly wonderful it is to be held lovingly in the arms of someone who you love with all of your heart and you know loves you back with all of his heart.
It's resplendent.
No.....
Transplendent!

I feel a little bit better writing all of this out, but I'm still probably going to worry until I get down there. I'll just focus on the positive, awesome aspects of our relationship, which would be EVERYTHING! I am the only bad part of this relationship. He's pretty much perfect. He deals with my nonsense. I love him.

I love you, darling. I wonder if I'll ever show these to you... : ) With all of my heart and everything in this whole freakin universe, I love you<3

I moved away from the Love of my Life last Thursday afternoon. It was the absolute worst thing I have EVER had to do in my life.... He helped me pack all of my college stuff into the back of my car and then we just kept hugging and kissing and he kept holding me as I sniffled before I had to go.

At the end, I was standing on my driveway with him, not wanting to let him go, when my Dad said it was time. I hugged him so hard and had the hardest time giving him his last kiss. I could see the tears in his eyes as I walked away from him and got into the car. Later he told me that he actually cried in his car for about a minute once I drove away. I started bawling once I got in the car. It was terrible.

I think about how he wants to join the Air Force after college and how awesome I think he is for wanting to do that, (since he's not even a citizen yet! Permanent Resident though), but then I think about his officer training and how it will be about 8 weeks and how I won't be able to see him, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with myself at that point..... I know that's years away, but I can tell it will be just like this was, except a million times worse....

I was okay the first few nights, in fact, I was okay up until last night.

Friday night, I just missed him sooooo much! My heart hurt and panged for him. I know his love is always with me, since I can pretty much physically feel it around me and in my chest, but I just felt so alone and distanced from him that I cried for a while once we got off the phone.

Luckily, My Love had given me one of his shirts and I was saving it for just this kind of lonely occasion. I put his shirt on and wore it to bed. I surrounded myself with the turtle he gave me as a moving away gift. I wore the locket I have with our pictures in it, and I put the ring on that he gave me in July... I even ate some special candy that he gives me that is from Okinawa, just to feel that much closer to him. It sucked, but I felt a little bit better the next day.

Tonight sucked though. I cried so long and so hard while he and I were still talking. I felt like I just couldn't make him happy from this distance, but he convinced me that he was just being silly by wallowing in his sadness of missing me. I love him sooo much, and I'm so glad we are together, but this is so very hard.... I wish I had some help, someone who has gone through this to give me tips.

I love my darling more than anything in this world and I definitely won't leave him, but I don't want our love to fade due to distance. I'm going to work hard at this. I mailed him a love letter with a cute picture I drew and colored, so that should be good when he gets it.

One day I'll show him these posts. I love you, Darling...<3

I am going to be using this site to post about things I wouldn't normally post on my regular blog. I want anonymity for the things I will say here, so I will never use real names for people and I am only HazelnutEyes.

I mostly want to say things about my relationship, which is about to be long-distance in two days time, but also I will probably post things that drive me crazy, since this will be anonymous.

My darling and I celebrated 1 year together last Friday. He was not in town, but we went out last night and I had the greatest time spending the day with him. <3

I love my darling very much, and although I'm going to move away for a bit for college, it's not super far away, and it sure isn't forever.

I'm not going to let anything deter me from being with the Love of My Life: not distance, not temptations, not discouragement. He and I are going to be absolutely fine, and we will be stronger because of it.

I am a strong person mentally, and I won't let anything get in my way of beng happy with My Love.

~HazelnutEyes